i am still alive!

Hello to all of my blog readers and followers!!  I just wanted to let you all know that I am still here and still alive.  I am however not working on weight loss right now.  Well I am but nothing like I was before.  I am just trying to keep things nice and even and getting ready to start an IVF cycle the middle of December thru the middle of January!  I am beyond nervous but I am excited all at the same time.  I am still up from my lowest weight but I am okay with that for right now and will work on losing weight again after my IVF cycle is done in January.  I won't do another IVF cycle again until April and even then I won't be pregnant as I won't have a transfer until May.  If that is greek to you, sorry, it just means I won't have a chance of getting pregnant until May :) 

This infertility journey has been oh so hard and I hope we get a baby at the end of it all.  Just last week they found scar tissue in my uterus that I will have surgery to remove in Feb. or March of next year.  I honestly can't tell you how nerve wracking and scary this whole process is.  We will get through it though and I am so glad I have an awesome group of friends, family and a husband that support me! 

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families, indulge just a little, and most importantly be thankful for family, friends, and our health.

If any of you are interested in following me on my IVF journey I have a private blog that you can visit, just email me for the password!  michaela@cupcakestocarrotsticks.com

http://sayleramipregnantyet.wordpress.com/

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

if they can do it so can you

After reading about the 100 year old man completing a marathon and then seeing this video below, I realized that the only thing stopping people from succeeding is themselves.  Just do it already.

pinterest inspiration

I seriously can't get enough of Pinterest right now!  Do you know how many amazing pins there are out there these days that just motivate the crap out of me?!  If not you should totally check it out!  I could care less about having followers but if you want to find some inspiration or some awesome Paleo recipes, click on the Pinterest logo in the right sidebar under the advertising!  The recipes look amazing and the bodies are sick!!

I have been back on track for 4 days now and man does it feel good to be back and in control!  I am still struggling with the extreme desire to eat carbs but I am getting through each day.  I am feeling less and less bloated and overall I am getting my confidence back.  I felt so low for awhile there and just flat out didn't care about myself.  I have no idea why I went through that slump but it is what it is and I move on. 

I have a long way to go to get back to where I was at my lowest weight but hey every good day is one step closer to getting there. 

And just to leave you with a little inspiration for the day...

I relapsed

Yes I am calling it a relapse just like a drug addict relapses.  Carbs and sugar are my drug of choice and it hasn't been fun.  I have found myself in this constant battle that I haven't been able to overcome.  I do really well one day and then the next not so much.  It has been a huge eye opener for me and I am ready to move on.  At least today I am.

Some interesting things to note about what I have observed while eating carbs and sugar for oh who knows how long...(I am making this post as something I can go back to and read over and over and over again when I want to eat carbs or sugar.)

• My face is disgustingly greasy
• the hairline acne is back
• I have to use deodorant again after not using it for months (I promise I don't stink when I don't use it)
• i feel irritated way more often than not
• my skin feels dry
• I don't feel as pretty as I did when I was eating primal foods
• seriously the farting is out of control
• bloated to high heaven
• retaining water
• headaches
• loss of self control
• sex drive has plummeted

So with all of those things you would think it would be easy to turn something down and move on right?  I mean I know what it is like to feel good why did I allow myself to relapse?  That is my million dollar question and believe me I am kicking myself for even getting into this again.  I truly feel like a drug addict and headed back to rehab.  Effing carbs and sugar, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am learning that I am not perfect but the drive to be better is back!  I want Michaela back!

i'm still here

I am dealing with lots of stuff regarding our IVF cycle but I am still here.  I will probably start blogging again when I am back in the 170's.  I hope to start writing again soon!

run, forrest, run!!

Run, Forrest, Run!


Forrest Gump

— MOVIECLIPS.com

Someone lit a fire under my ass yesterday after a comment they made and it pissed me off so much that I decided once and for all get this weight off the old fashioned way...Diet and exercise.

I can't wait to prove to this person that you can do something if you quit with the excuses and actually do something about your weight. I am tossing the HCG to the side and for once in my life I am going to accomplish something the hard way. No easy way out, I want to set out to do something I have never done before and just do it.

That something is becoming a runner. For as long as I have had this blog and for as long as I can remember really, I have always wanted to be a runner. I want to say things like, I am going out for a run will be back in awhile or I ran 5 miles today and it felt great! Every time I see someone running they look so relaxed and they carry themselves as though they are accomplishing something that they set out to do. They look like they are relieving stress from a bad day or thinking about what they will do tomorrow. Maybe they are just listening to their feet hit the pavement, whatever they are doing or thinking about doesn't matter, they are setting out to do what they said they would and I want to do the same thing.

I ran/walked 2.29 miles in 30 minutes yesterday. Not bad for a first day and I can't wait to do it again today. I blared the music and ran for as long as I could then walked to catch my breath and repeated it for 30 minutes. It felt AMAZING!! I did have to laugh though because the last song I picked to run to ended up being a freaking remix and lasted forever! LOL! I was like holy shit when is it going to be over?!!! It felt good, I accomplished what I set out to do that day and I am proud of myself. That and I lost 2 pounds. Woot!

unexpected inspiration

I am seriously in love with the show So You Think You Can Dance and I couldn't wait for tonight finale show!  While watching these girls and boys twist themselves into some of the most amazing positions, throw their bodies around as if they always float on air, and be absolutely mesmorized at their physical strength, there was one line in the show that I still can't get out of my head.

"If you have a reason to live, you don't have a reason to quit." 

~Marko

Wow.  It literally took my breath away just thinking about what that means in my life right now in this moment.  Everyone has a reason to live and I can't think of a single reason to give up on anything in life.  I have absolutely no reason in the world not to push as hard as I can to lose this weight and get to a goal that I have always dreamed about.  I have no reason why I can't stop thinking about carbs and how freaking good donuts taste.  LOL!  Yet I can think of a thousand reasons why I should keep going and doing what I set out to do many years ago.

Weight loss has been the second biggest struggle of my life behind infertility.  I can't do anything about my blocked tubes so that is something I can't sit and cry about but I can do something about my weight and it is solely up to me whether I succeed or not...I don't have a reason to quit.

michaela + eggs = bff

The first week back on the HCG diet has been WONDERFUL!!  I can't believe the difference from a few weeks ago!  I randomly upped my dose because I calculated wrong and went to 150IU instead of 125IU and bam no hunger really at all.  I am in heaven!

I am also in heaven because I am not doing the original HCG diet, I am doing my own variation and I can't tell you enough about my love for eggs.  It is seriously ridiculous.  Eggs over easy, over hard, over medium, hard boiled, soft boiled, over lettuce salad, egg salad, eggs mixed with spinach, broccoli, tomatoes, avocado, and on and on and on.  I eat 3 of them every single day for lunch and every morning I wake up excited because I know I will get to eat eggs for lunch.  How sad is that?!  LOL!

Whatever it is, it is working because I have lost 7 pounds in the first week and managed to actually lose a pound while loading instead of gaining 6-7 pounds like I normally do!  I am thrilled!  Of course I still have more to lose before I am back down to 176.6 but hey, I am headed in the right direction and it feels good!

I have been experimenting a little with my food to see what makes me feel good and what doesn't.  One day last week Kyle and I went to one of the big cities to drop the dogs off at Petsmart for a bath and to do a little shopping.  We stopped at Target and I decided to get some Fage Greek yogurt and roasted almonds.  One of my all time favorite snacks.  Unfortunately it made me feel bloated as all hell!  HUH?!  Why in the world haven't I paid attention to this before?  I guess there is a reason why die hard Paleo people don't eat dairy because we are the only beings on earth that drink milk after we are babies.  I couldn't believe that I never really noticed this before but it was definitely noticeable last week.

So that means no dairy for me because it obviously causes inflammation in the body and with my IVF blood work coming up in December I can't be having anymore inflammation in my body than there already is.  I have to do everything possible to get my body ready to hopefully have a baby and I want to stay healthy once getting pregnant.  Gestational Diabetes scares the living crap out of me so it will be important to stay away from the grains, sugar, and dairy as much as possible!  I have already warned Kyle to refuse any random trips to the grocery store for crap food that I don't need. LOL!

Last week was a good week and I am mentally back in the game.  Not sure what my funk was all about but hey, it happens and the great thing about life is that there is always a new day.

ETA: I am laughing so hard at the what the font changes my blog title too!  That is supposed to say michaela + eggs = bff.  Hmmm I think I will leave it like it is :)

admitting failure

Just when you think all is well in weight loss land I look back and realize that I have pretty much wasted 5 months of my time and gained back the weight I lost in June.  Fun times.

I have no idea what was wrong with me or maybe I should say what is wrong with me but it is what it is.

The days of eating donuts and cupcakes are over for me and I have decided once again to go back on the HCG.  I seriously can't stand back and forth decisions about dieting/weight loss so I am annoyed at myself for even doing this.  I just want to yell at myself to pick a plan and stick with it already.  I mean how hard can that be?  Where is my self control? 

I know it isn't good to beat yourself up but dude, I deserve a total beating at this point.  It will only last through today and then I will be over it and ready to be Positive Polly.  I have asked a group of friends that I am on Facebook with to help me out and give me tough love when I need it.  Nobody needs to be coddled in the weight loss world especially when I have come this far. 

It is time to pull my head out of my ass and freaking do this already!  I am running out of time before I do IVF and I need to get moving.  Nothing is worse than a bunch of excuses so I don't plan on giving any, I plan on going back to what I know and being the strong person I am because...

Just change the word YEAR to MONTH and yup I will be asking myself this same exact question if I don't just do it.

I am not thrilled to be back on the HCG diet but I know it works and even if it is slower weight loss than what I have had in the past it is a helluva lot better than gaining or not losing at all.

As my Dad would say,
Quit dinkin' around Mick!
.

my first acupuncture session

My mom decided she would gift me a bunch of sessions with an acupuncturist to hopefully help with IVF and overall health. I wasn't sure what I thought about doing acupuncture because there have been studies show it helps and studies to show it doesn't help. My feeling on it all would be that if I had the extra cash I would for sure do something like this but if I didn't then I wasn't going to worry about trying.

Entire my wonderful mother who said she would pay for it and I took her up on the offer. Yesterday was my first session and it was super interesting! She talked to me for about 30 minutes about my overall health history and my concerns which brought up a concern of mine. She hasn't had a fertility patient since she has been in school. I was recommended to her by a friend of my parents and I just figured she had seen fertility patients before but I was wrong. I went ahead with the appointment just because I wanted to experience it.

After looking at my tongue she had me lay down on the table, told me to relax as much as possible and then told me about the needles and what she would be doing. Before we got into it all I asked her why she looked at my tongue and she said that it tells us everything about our organs. HUH?! She said I have a swollen tongue and asked if I was a thinker. Um yes, my mind is always running no matter the subject is. I literally have zero stress in my life but that doesn't mean my mind just stops working. Of course I think! Well she said that I think more than the average person. LOL! Good to know!

She also said something about my Spleen Qi and my dampness. Again, HUH?! My dampness? I guess I should have paid more attention when I read the book The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis! LOL! I read that book about 3 or 4 years ago and nothing really made sense to me but I got it off the bookshelf today and I can't wait to read about my dampness and figure out what in the world that means.

After she stuck with me with needles in my head, ears, face, hands, arms, legs, and feet, she proceeded to light what looked like a giant crayon. No idea what that was but it stunk. I am not big on incense in the first place so this was a bit much. She took the crayon down by my feet and was trying to warm them up. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that during the questions she asked me if my feet and hands were ever cold and I said well sometimes they are but most of the time they are cold when they should be cold, i.e. the winter. Well she felt my feet and was shocked at how cold they were so I guess that required some warming up with the crayon.

She was down there for about 20 minutes and I laid there with my eyes closed to make it look like I was relaxing but I couldn't quite get there. I will say that it was beyond relaxing after she stuck the needles but since it was my first time I couldn't fully relax and enjoy the moment like she wanted me too. The crayon thing was super hot at times and there was one time where she got a little too close but I liked it.

After she was done with my feet she gave me a pressure point massage on my head and shoulders to help with my migraines. Now that was my favorite part! I generally hate being massaged because it hurts but this was different. It was like light touching with random pressure which felt great!

She pulled all of the needles out slowly and then talked to me about what I should do each night to help me with my issues. She wanted me to do the pressure point massage, meditate to get my brain to stop thinking, and to soak my feet in a super hot tub of water each night before I go to bed. Um it is 100° plus out right now, not sticking my feet in anything hot. LOL! She then said she was going to put seeds in my ears. Again, HUH?! Seeds in my ears? WTF?! She shows me these little black seeds stuck to tape and puts them on the top part of my ear and told me to press on them if I feel stressed or my mind is thinking too much. Okay at this point it is getting to be a little weird for me but I roll with it. It is good to experience something new right?! Well this morning the seeds came out of my ears, it hurt to talk on the phone with them in. ROFL!

All in all I enjoyed the experience and I am looking forward to seeing the Acupuncturist that deals with fertility next. I won't go to them for another few weeks because they are a little bit pricier and I don't want to make my mom pay for a TON of sessions.  I also liked that she concentrated on stuff that has to do with weight loss as well as cravings.  I just wish she knew more about fertility since that is the whole purpose of going.

So there was one thing I didn't enjoy and that was walking out of there smelling like I had just smoked a ton of pot or swam in a pool of incense. So gross. :)